Time flies…

Going back to school is a funny thing as an adult. This week has been reading week, which means it’s almost half-way through my first term of college. When I went to university the first time, right out of high school, reading week meant travelling home and hanging out with my parents. When I went to university the second time, it meant being able to ONLY work 40 hours per week and not have to worry about going to school at night. Now, I’m back to being a full-time student as a 40-something person, and it means soooo much more. And there’s a lot of napping involved.

I went from no hope, and a scary future, to learning all the new things, and still a scary future. My brain has been in overdrive since January 5th. I’m still terrified that I’m not going to do well in this course, despite the fact that my lowest mark is 89%. I’m convinced that the professors will see that I’m just treading water right now, and take bets on how quickly I’ll sink when I get tired. I’m afraid that I’m not good enough, and that I still won’t be when I’m done. I’m terrified that I will have lived on less than minimum wage, sacrificed too much, stressed over every bill and expense in order to get this degree, and that I’ll still not find a job in September.

I’m trying really hard to change my thinking, but I’ve spent 40-something years thinking negatively. I’m surprised by what I’ve done… Every now and then, I stop and think about it, shake my head, and think WTF? But on the other hand, it doesn’t feel weird. Going back to school, and wandering the halls of academia still seems like the natural thing to do. So, I guess I’ll keep treading water, and hope that no one notices that I still have no fucking clue what I’m doing…