School

It’s 2:45 on Saturday afternoon. I’ve done nothing. So far, all I’ve managed to accomplish is feeding the cats, cleaning the litter box, and turning the dishwasher on. That’s it. I sat down to do some assignments due next week and my mind went blank. I couldn’t remember anything from last week in my web development class. Nothing. I have no idea what I’m doing. It’s a very scary feeling. I feel like my brain is actually broken. I’m not sure why I’m even blogging this because I can’t think of anything to say. Maybe that’s why I’m saying it, even though that makes absolutely no sense.

I wish I’d heard the actual snap, because then I could pin-point when my brain broke. Unless it’s just in melt-down mode. Melting is quite quiet.

As I mentioned in my previous post, we’ve hurtled into the joy and bliss of WordPress. I started this blog as one of my portfolio submissions to get into the program. But, it’s been pretty fun and a good place to vent, so I’m keeping it up. This week, however, I learned more, so I’ve gotten fancy. I now have categories.

And there was much rejoicing. *Yaaaayyyy*

Three months ago, I was unemployed and stressed. I am now longing for days gone by. When I was unemployed, I applied for 307 jobs in six months. I was busy. But, I was also depressed and sleeping a lot. Other than job hunting, I was reading books… that’s about it. Not a vigorous schedule, but, in all honesty, when one is depressed, that’s a lot. Fast forward three months. I went from sleeping late, napping, looking for jobs, and reading books, to school. WTF?

I don’t regret going to school. I know that my future is going to be brighter when I’m done. But, that being said, should I have gone back to learn everything new? In 11 weeks, I’ve been given instruction on Adobe Photoshop, Illustrator, Dreamweaver, Premiere Pro and Bridge. Don’t forget Sublime Text 2, Mamp, FileZilla and now WordPress. There’s a *kaboom* right there. That’s nine software packages in 11 weeks. Then you throw in HTML, CSS, Javascript, JQuery, PSP, fancy photography and video techniques, lighting, and infrastructure architecture (structure of a website). I kid you not, all I want to do is nap in my spare time.

I’m excited to be learning all this. I was reminded to think of all the things that I could not do in November. It’s pretty cool. But it’s also pretty scary. Because I’m not sure I know all the things I’ve learned so far. Have I really learned it? Or have I been going through the motions and just getting lucky in following along? I don’t know. My grades range from 89.9% to 100%. Apparently, I’m doing pretty well….

But you know what’s missing? I seem to have lost my weirdness. I haven’t had a single zombie garden gnome attack me in my backyard. But, then again, there’s still snow on the ground. What zombie, in their right mind, would wander about in sub-zero temperatures. I have some blissfully bizarre (but wonderfully funny) classmates that I get together with for beers at the school pub – usually on Thursdays. We’ve had some seriously fucked up conversations, which is awesome.

But despite all that, I find that I’m spending so much time trying to make sure I stay on the honour roll that I’m losing myself. There are only five months left. I hope I’m still the same me when I’m done…

Going back to school is a funny thing as an adult. This week has been reading week, which means it’s almost half-way through my first term of college. When I went to university the first time, right out of high school, reading week meant travelling home and hanging out with my parents. When I went to university the second time, it meant being able to ONLY work 40 hours per week and not have to worry about going to school at night. Now, I’m back to being a full-time student as a 40-something person, and it means soooo much more. And there’s a lot of napping involved.

I went from no hope, and a scary future, to learning all the new things, and still a scary future. My brain has been in overdrive since January 5th. I’m still terrified that I’m not going to do well in this course, despite the fact that my lowest mark is 89%. I’m convinced that the professors will see that I’m just treading water right now, and take bets on how quickly I’ll sink when I get tired. I’m afraid that I’m not good enough, and that I still won’t be when I’m done. I’m terrified that I will have lived on less than minimum wage, sacrificed too much, stressed over every bill and expense in order to get this degree, and that I’ll still not find a job in September.

I’m trying really hard to change my thinking, but I’ve spent 40-something years thinking negatively. I’m surprised by what I’ve done… Every now and then, I stop and think about it, shake my head, and think WTF? But on the other hand, it doesn’t feel weird. Going back to school, and wandering the halls of academia still seems like the natural thing to do. So, I guess I’ll keep treading water, and hope that no one notices that I still have no fucking clue what I’m doing…

Well that was a rather inauspicious first day of school…

I woke up at the crack of pre-dawn and managed to get myself out the door at the time I had actually wanted to leave. That was pretty impressive considering that I am not a morning person. I had cleaned the car off the night before from the day’s ice-rain storm so there was no scraping to be done. Or so I thought… Turns out I had forgotten the whole passenger side of the car. I managed to scrape a small amount off, enough to see out the window, but the rest of it was left as a sheet of ice. Who needs the passenger door when you’re by yourself?

The journey itself was uneventful until I got into the city only to be reminded why I live in a small town. I really don’t like the city and l like the drivers even less. After a few curse words and practically falling asleep as we crawled along at a speed I could probably outpace on foot, I arrived for my very first day of college. I pulled up to the parking lot and rolled down the window to get my parking ticket. No, wait, I didn’t. The window was frozen shut. No worries, I just opened the door and reached around. But no… somehow, during my 64km journey, my door had frozen shut. I double-checked that I had unlocked the door – because I have been know to qualify for the Midvale School for the Gifted – but no, I was trapped.

By this time, another car had pulled up behind me and was awaiting his turn to enter the parking lot. There I am, heaving my entire body weight repeatedly against the door to no avail. I doubt the man behind me was impressed when he saw me put the car in park and start crawling through to exit the passenger side. Thank god that side opened, which is ironic, since that was the side covered in ice. Around the car I go, gesturing apologetically and squeezing between the ticket machine and the car. A very pissed-off yank on the handle freed my door! Hooray! But, of course, I was too close to the machine to get back in that side. Around the car I venture again, giving the (I would imagine irritated or amused) driver behind me the thumbs up, and clamber back through the car. What a great day to wear a floor-length coat… But I digress… I got my ticket, whooshed through the entrance and quickly pulled into a spot where I could hide my embarrassment from the individual who witnessed this entire encounter.

Once I regained my composure I ventured into academia. The first orientation was a bit strange, but interesting. We were then fed pancakes, which was awesome. Following that was an orientation about the program itself. It was very informative and I’m officially both excited and terrified of the future ahead of me. After that, I got my picture taken for my student card and I headed back to the car.

I was almost back to the parking lot, walking a bit quicker than I should have been since it was bloody windy and cold, when it happened. I crossed the last road, stepped onto the sidewalk, and what did I find but sheer ice that had not been salted after yesterday’s previously mentioned ice rain storm. It would be interesting to note here, that I fell and sprained an ankle on Christmas Eve Eve. It is healing but at the moment I’m wearing boots a bit too big so my ankle is comfortable. These boots do not have good tread… I was propelled a good five feet, balanced on one foot (the bad one) as the sidewalk started to angle down into the curb. I angled with it, slid with as much grace as one can as they are pinwheeling, panicking and trying to protect a brand new laptop, and landed like a lead balloon on my posterior. Again, there were witnesses.

Needless to say, as I drove home, cringing and cursing at every pothole that jolted my newly cracked tailbone, through gritted teeth I repeated to myself “It sure looks pretty… It sure looks pretty…”