I wrote the shittiest poem. It was voted so.


For those that knew about it, I wrote the shittiest poem of 2015, according to readers of ChiZine.com. I’m pretty excited about that, because I was up against my published boyfriend who is damned good at writing good stuff and shitty stuff. I wrote it for school, actually, since I’m learning web design… This was my poem, y’all. 🙂

Oh The Coding We Shall Do…

Would you, should you, code responsive design?
You surely must, or some might whine.
Devices now are of many size,
and so the site must be quite wise.
Mobile users see a tiny screen,
instead of wide, longer must be seen.
Many challenges there surely be,
like making sure that all can see.
Mobile users like to zoom,
and that makes a coder’s head kaboom.
Making pages fit to scale,
will unerringly make a coder wail.
The breakpoints needed for a media query,
can surely make a coder weary.
If these challenges run amok,
any coder will yell: What. The. F$%k?

In all fairness, the esteemed Geoff Gander, otherwise known as my boyfriend, wrote a fantastic poem and it must be shared, because not everyone clicked the “read more” button. I offer you:

All Staff

By Geoff Gander

I moan softly in frustrated sorrow,
Fidgeting in my hard, rough office chair
Like a lion in a cramped cage.
“Just a short meeting,” he said.
His tongue flattened and forked
As he spoke.

I wince and clutch my stomach,
Singed by a noxious brew
Of curdled milk and stale coffee.
“Sure, I’ll have another cup.
No sugar, though.
I’m cutting back.”

I pinch myself to stay awake,
Straining against the droning hum of
Bureaucratic bafflegab.
“What the hell did he just say?”
Glazed eyes stare back
Should’ve had another cup.

I grit my teeth,
Groaning as the Sands of Time
Course downwards.
“Why are we still on the first agenda item?”
I fight back tears of remorse
For the life that I am losing.





I was asked something tonight.

I was asked what I dreamed of doing. No one has ever asked me that before. It was such an unexpected question that I had to think about it for a while. What have always dreamed of?

Do I want to learn foreign languages? Hell no. Living in Canada, I should know French, and that’s never going to happen. Do I want to climb Mount Everest? Never wanted to, especially now that earthquakes are an option. Do I want to become famous? Not really… as an Introvert with a capital I, the idea of fame scares the shit out of me.

Do I want to be a soapstone artist full-time? I don’t know. There are a lot of days that I look at a stone and just see a stone. It’s a lot of pressure to be inspired all the time. And to try to carve when you’re not inspired leads to sub-standard (in my humble opinion) results. Other people might think the carving is nice, I probably won’t.

What do I really want? I want to do historical research. I want someone to give me a topic, send me to a library and yell GO! I want to immerse myself in my historical geekiness. I want to find out fabulous things about days gone by and tie them together into a fabulous tale. In a perfect world, I wouldn’t mind having my name associated with something as “Historical Researcher” but I would add the word extraordinaire.

I guess that’s it. I don’t want a lot of out of life. This would be enough.

The mice that brought darkness to a small town…

There I was… happily working on assignments, with mind-numbing television, and a lovely electric fire for ambiance. Without warning, darkness descended. Damned ghosts, I thought (no pun intended).

I trundled downstairs, into the cavernous 130 year old basement to check out the electrical panel. Flicking breakers at random resulted in one room after another being rendered without power. “What is this mysteriousness*?” I wondered. As any modern social media addict will do, I ranted on Facebook. Within minutes, my phone rang. I answered, and the calling party hung up. Not too creepy, as I’m lighting candles all over my living room. The phone rings again. “Hello?” I answer, hesitantly. “Hi, it’s ____. Turn all your breakers off and get out of the house, now.”

Well that’s a fine how-do-you-do.

After being convinced that if I stayed in my house I would die a fiery death, I made a few more phone calls. Being a holiday, the thought of the cost of a 24-electrician was frightening. Enter awesome neighbhourhood friend. After dismantling the electrical panel, this was discovered….10300980_10152636860976568_2321431037697625543_n

Food on one side, bedding on the other. Mice. Turns out the little buggers had been piddling all over my breakers for years. Ermiony (please see previous posts) managed to deplete my mouse population, but not soon enough. And, clearly, my six cats are seriously slacking. Everything was corroded, and every time I flicked a breaker off an then on again, I was breaking them. Everything dangerous and broken were shut off until further repair and I settled into a weekend of semi-darkness.

As has already established in previous posts, my favourite hobby lately is napping. Having the stress of school, and potential house explosions and/or fires, you can imagine how much I slept when I finally crashed. When I awoke the next day (no need to name a time, that’s just embarrassing) I discovered that I had cut power to houses within a 10 km radius. For four hours! It had to have been me. There’s no other explanation.

Turns out it was a coincidence… or so they tell me…

*Insert multiple swear words in place of mysteriousness…

I think my brain is broken

It’s 2:45 on Saturday afternoon. I’ve done nothing. So far, all I’ve managed to accomplish is feeding the cats, cleaning the litter box, and turning the dishwasher on. That’s it. I sat down to do some assignments due next week and my mind went blank. I couldn’t remember anything from last week in my web development class. Nothing. I have no idea what I’m doing. It’s a very scary feeling. I feel like my brain is actually broken. I’m not sure why I’m even blogging this because I can’t think of anything to say. Maybe that’s why I’m saying it, even though that makes absolutely no sense.

I wish I’d heard the actual snap, because then I could pin-point when my brain broke. Unless it’s just in melt-down mode. Melting is quite quiet.

Duelling idiots

I’ve never hidden the fact that the general public pisses me off. I like people, individually, even in small groups. Heck, I even love some of them. But when you get nameless, faceless, masses of humans together, they all meld into one mind-numbing, for-the-love-of-everything-sacred-someone-hand-me-a-glass-of-wine assemblage.

Take driving, for example. Why, in the name of all that is holy, when there are two lanes in which one can drive, it’s inevitable that two cars will drive side-by-side at the same speed. They won’t even be doing the speed limit. It’s like one idiot started to pass another idiot, and then thought “hey, this could be fun…”, thereby hijacking every car in both lanes behind them.

Take shopping malls, as another example. Why do people feel it’s necessary to stop dead in their tracks when they know people are behind them. The worst ones do this, and then promptly turn around and glare at you if you made the mistake of bumping into them. By the gods people, I’m not psychic, but I might turn psycho if you try to make me feel like this was my fault. I did not want to crash into a total stranger, I usually try to refrain from touching people I don’t know. I’m not a germaphobe, but I do find it inappropriate.

The worst ones, however, are the sidewalk/hallway hoggers. You know the ones… The sidewalk, or hallway, is only three people wide, but three people walk abreast and don’t move out of our way. Sidewalk hoggers suck, because you’re usually forced onto the grass, or better yet, into the road – usually in front of on-coming traffic. Hallways, as you may recall, have walls. Last time I checked, I could not walk through them. So, by not moving out my way, you are now threatening to body check me into the boards (being Canadian, I had to use the hockey metaphor). Yet, if I do not move our of your way, stop dead right in front of you, and let you pass around me like I’m Moses parting the idiot sea, I’m the asshole.

On any given day, I experience at least two of these horrifying social graces. It’s no wonder I go home, hug my cats, and drink wine.

Trying something new….

I have learned so much in such a small amount of time, trying new things are almost scary. I’m afraid I’m going to break the internet. So, if it happens, I want it to be for a reason…..

I’ve always wanted to start a blog,

even though my brain’s a fog.

I ramble about many things,

and hope my nightmares don’t sprout wings.

Software learning is insane,

but my head is used to pain.

All the programs make me overload,

If I learn it all, motherlode!!!!

Zombie Garden Gnomes

Okay, I’ve mentioned them enough that I suppose I should finally tell the tale.

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a princess in a beautiful old house. The princess had a great love for birds, and flowers, and books, and wine. When the weather was lovely, which was often in the magical kingdom, the princess would sit on her deck with a book and glass of wine and watch the birds, and smell the flowers. It was a sanctuary unto itself, and the princess was most happy. During the warmer months, the princess loved the birds so much that she also provided them with a constant supply of fresh water to drink. This, she offered through her magical hose from her magical house.

One day, the magical hose sprung a leak and no matter what the princess did, she could not stop the flow of water without turning off the water supply completely. This was not a problem, considering the fact that birds did not require fresh water in the darkest of hours. As the sun went down, the princess settled in to enjoy her evening with her feline friends when she remembered the hose. “Oh no!” she declared, and sprang from her repose. “The water shall run, and run, and that will be a terrible drain on our natural resources!” The princess dashed outside, leapt over the magical lawnmower and turned the tap off at it’s source. Mightily pleased, she leapt back over the the magical lawnmower, lost her balance, stepping in an enormous hole left by a falling icicle in the spring, and promptly landed face-first in the drought-ridden, hard-packed earth. The crunch of her fractured nose echoed throughout the kingdom.

The princess survived, albeit a bit bloodily, and to this day, if anyone asks, it was the zombie garden gnomes who attacked. For the real story is far less interesting.

Oh how exciting!!!

As I mentioned in my previous post, we’ve hurtled into the joy and bliss of WordPress. I started this blog as one of my portfolio submissions to get into the program. But, it’s been pretty fun and a good place to vent, so I’m keeping it up. This week, however, I learned more, so I’ve gotten fancy. I now have categories.

And there was much rejoicing. *Yaaaayyyy*